Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. 

Deceive: Give a mistaken impression.

Confusion: A situation of panic; a breakdown of order. Uncertainty. Lack of understanding.

Brainwash: Make (someone) adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure.



These are four words I never really understood until a few years ago. Sure, I knew the Webster definitions. But that doesn't mean much. There's a difference between intelligence and cleverness, in my opinion. I believe that intelligence is knowing something. Cleverness is knowing something, but also being able to adapt those concepts to your own life either through personal experience or sharing. 

I don't want any of my posts to come across as me having a miserable life, just because I write about difficult things. That is far from the truth. I had a wonderful childhood, with the best family and friends I could ever ask for. I was just born a skeptic, I guess. I think a lot. Sometimes that causes me to have very strong opinions. But by all means, I do not have anything close to a horrible life. So even though I left religion and went through fear and deceiving moments and confusion and brainwashing, I mostly just feel human. I also feel happy. It's been so beautiful getting comments and messages from people who have dealt with the same hardships of not agreeing with the "norm". 

I don't believe anybody should live their life in fear. One of the saddest things is seeing somebody throw their happiness away because they believe God won't accept them for who they are. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

If there is a God, I would hope he would be as loving and kind as people make him out to be. 

If he's not, I wouldn't want to worship him anyway. So be yourself. Honestly, as cliche as it is, be yourself. You hear it all the time, but do you really listen to it? Don't trade in your happiness for fear. If religion is your happiness, stick with it. If you find yourself feeling guilty and sad, change something. Not out of fear. Change something for your happiness.

Happiness: state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

That comes first.

I watch this video too much. It just makes my heart feel like one of those goldfish that keeps growing and growing until there's no more room. It's such a beautiful feeling. I have so many wishes for Provo and it's progression (see previous post), and this kind of stuff keeps me hopeful. Smiles.

Okay. Truth is, I've written this whole post out and erased it all. Twice. Why? I don't know. I guess I felt like I was being too harsh with my criticism. So before I write the things I was going to write, I'm going to be a critic of myself.

Did I go to church for 18 years? Yes.

Did I, at least once in my life, think somebody was going to hell for not following the commandments? Yes.

Did I judge somebody based on them not going to church? Yes.

Have I thought I could "save" somebody by praying for them? Yes.

I could go on and on. The point is: Whenever I talk about the LDS church, I am talking about it based on experience. I don't want to be that person who states fallacy after fallacy, thinking they know everything about something they were never a part of. But, considering I've been on the inside of this whole shindig, I'm gonna write what I wanna write. I hope that's okay. If not, I recommend not reading my blog and going to this website instead: http://cuteoverload.com/

So now that I've had my little rant, let's get down to business. 

The thing about Provo, Utah is that you can't go anywhere without hearing the typical "Provo Conversation". The Provo Conversation may consist of things like: Where did you serve your mission? Didn't you LOVE that talk by Elder so-and-so? We've been dating for 3 months, and he HASN'T proposed yet! Don't you hate when a guy is so cute, but he's not a return missionary? I'm gonna be a stay at home mom! How many kids do you want?

And stuff like that. Basically, I'm tired and disgusted by some of the things I hear. I'm not necessarily disgusted by the actual sentences that are being blurted out of these 19-year-old girl's mouths. It's more the lack of topic. It's like the people in this city, and most of the state, just don't want to stray from their one little piece of culture. Instead of trying to experience the world they just want to experience Provo. Over and over again.

.... why?

I have my own opinions and thoughts on the matter, but that doesn't change anything. I don't expect it to. I'm just amazed at the way religion in general kind of takes over a person. I know how it is, I've been there. You get this idea planted into your head that you can only associate with certain people. "Righteous" people. You must only date men/women who are on a certain level or platform of obedience. You must only date that one type of person. Another Mormon. In the end, that's what it comes down to. 

You wanna know the biggest reason why I hate the Provo Conversation though? Despite the lack of wonder and education in some of these people, they tend to love the feeling of empowerment. They enjoy making themselves feel like they are at the top of the pyramid, and if you don't agree, you're at the bottom. We can pretend that we're a diverse city, but when it comes down to it, we're just a bubble of thoughts that can't open up to the rest of society.

I may sound bitter, but I'm not. Scouts honor. ;) I just have wants and wishes for this city, and all cities, to be more accepting of culture. Accept the fact that not everybody thinks you're right. Accept the fact that the beauty of a person is deeper than their religious or nonreligious standing. But most importantly, 
accept change. 

"I was forced, through seeing the error of their foundation, to abandon all belief in every religion which had been taught to man. But my religious feelings were immediately replaced by the spirit of universal charity - not for a sect, or a party, or for a county or a colour - but for the human race, and with a real and ardent desire to do good." 
- Robert Owen (1857)

I was thinking today about the two times I bared my testimony. Yep, two. Both times were at girl's camp, where everyone did it, so I wanted to feel included. I found myself getting emotional. Not because I felt "the spirit" or was "so happy to be born into the true church" but because I was in the wilderness, with some of my best friends, stargazing and not having a care in the world. I never pretended to know everything. 

I remember trying SO hard to feel this "spirit" so I could say some good things about the church and not just my friends, but I just couldn't. I think all I managed to blurt out was "..and I am thankful for the prophet" or something like that. Anyways, the point is, I was never one to bear my testimony. I was more focused on the fun times I was having with the people I love. That's always been my focus. Is that such a bad thing? That I think about my loved ones more than a possible deity or religion? So here it goes. I'm going to try this again..

I'd like to bear my testimony.
I don't believe the church is true.
I don't think I'm going to hell because of that.
As a matter of fact, I don't believe in hell.
I believe in life.
I am thankful for the stars.
I can't thank them enough for exploding billions of years ago, so that human life could even be possible.
Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.
I believe that we are in charge of our own destiny.
I am beyond grateful that I have a family who knows what love is.
True, unconditional love.
I am thankful for every little thing I've done in my life that has brought me to wonderful friends.
I believe that genuine friendships and relationships are one of the most important things. 
It's important to hold onto those.
I don't believe in organized religion.
I believe in moments and making the most of what you have.
I believe that despite my struggles, I am a very fortunate person.
I don't believe that I have the answers.
I don't think there's such a thing as "THE answer".
All I have are my own thoughts.
All you have are yours.
In the name of life,
Amen.

If I had to choose a religion, it would be music.

I worship melodies, songwriting, and instruments like you worship your god. I share lyrics like you share scripture verses. I believe it can comfort you when you're down and inspire you to do good. I have bonded more with people over music than anything else.

I look at my life as a bunch of chords and harmonies strung together making a very long tune. This tune has millions of verses and bridges and riffs and mistakes.

Sometimes I go for that high note and butcher it. Is the song ruined? Do we need to use autotune and a hundred computer programs to make it as perfect as possible? 

NO.

I feel like, as humans, we are always trying to portray ourselves as living the most perfect lives. For some reason, that will make people like us more. Quite frankly, I think it's bullshit. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blogs, etc etc are full of human beings pretending that they aren't human. 

We are not creations of perfection.

I cannot tell you how happy it makes me when I hear a beautifully written song with a few vocal cracks and guitar messups. Especially when I hear that song again and again and it keeps improving. That is how I want to live my life. My mistakes and your mistakes are just unique drum solos that trail away from our songs a little bit, but without them it wouldn't be the same. 

Keep on creating your beautiful masterpiece.

We're all little products of evolution and mystery.

The future is unknown.

We worry, we fight, we love, we feel.

The stars reside in our bodies.

Our bodies reside in a stream of dust.

We're all bits and pieces of each other.

Our thoughts bind us together or tug us away.

We're still bound together.

We're all living the unknown.

Preaching to choirs we've never met and worshiping gods we can't trust.

We demand unity but tear them down when they disagree.

Our minds get lost, get back on track, then get lost again.

The maze of imagination goes on.

We're all hoping for a savior at some point.

We don't need to be saved.

We need to be freed.

Whenever I see an old friend and ask what's new in their life, I secretly hope I'll hear the word travel. Not "oh you know, school and work.." or the same old general routine. It seems like that's all I ever hear around this neck of the woods. But, as rare as it is, I love hearing stories about peoples' minds being opened by leaving their hometown. If there's anything that I could wish upon every single person in this world, it would be 

to travel.

Spend a day, a week, or months somewhere else. Get to know somebody different. Build yourself up. Broaden your horizons. It will do you good.

A special experience I had while traveling was in Hollywood, CA. Sounds glamorous, right? Not exactly..

After a day of shopping and seeing some beautiful sights, I saw a man on the side of the road. I'm used to seeing "bums" but I've never stopped to talk to one. They're all over the place in California. I gave this dude some Twizzlers and talked to him for 45 minutes about life (while my friends hid back taking pictures of me). Sure, he was a bit far-fetched, but he was speaking straight from his heart. And not once did he ask for money. He just wanted to talk. He told me his story and how he was trying to find his place in the world, just like everybody else. He didn't preach about God or bear some sort of testimony or ask what my religion was. He just spoke to me, like an equal human being, about his hope for peace.

Another special experience was my trip to Seattle. This place is completely different than where I'm from..

I traveled there alone, so I really had a special opportunity to clear my head and really SEE, for the first time, how different things are outside of Utah. I remember sitting at the bus stop when a stranger came up to me, told me a joke, and said he just enjoyed seeing people smile. That was that, and we both went on with our days.

These are just little, special moments to me. Travel can be so beautiful. Living in a state that is full of people invested in religion can get extremely tiring. To go somewhere else and see people who are completely unfocused on religion, but are doing their best, is a real piece of magic. So many of these people are genuinely real and honest with the fact that they don't know (or care) if a higher power is watching us. Religion isn't their main focus.

HAPPINESS IS.

Isn't that how it should be?