One of the most common questions I get asked, being an atheist, is: How do you find meaning and purpose in life?

I decided to dedicate a whole post to this question, seeing as it's a pretty big deal. The words "meaning" and "purpose" can make or break somebody. So let me lay it down in the best way I can.

I enjoy life. I love being able to wake up every day and make it whatever I want. The very fact that I am able to think and walk and talk is incredible. I think, as humans, we sometimes forget what living actually is. We are a masterpiece of evolution. We don't realize how amazing the simple little details of life are. Instead, we see it as a whole. But if you break it down into itty-bitty pieces and see exactly what it is you're doing (breathing, progressing, creating), there is so much more to be thankful for.

I do need to clarify something though. When I was transforming into my nonreligious self, I became very scared. It was like one day it all of the sudden hit me that I might not have an afterlife. It was a huge slap in the face. I went through some very dark months where I felt like everything was pointless. I was terrified. But this was a huge change for me, so of course I was going to be scared. Religion taught me to be scared. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to rebuild myself. So I did.

Meaning and purpose became a quest for me. Why do we live if we have nothing after death? This question used to haunt me. Now I find it kind of silly. We are here, living, so why should we worry about what happens next? This life should be taking all of our attention. There is so much to do, see, feel. The more I started thinking about that, the closer I got to my answer.. 

I believe that we create our own purpose.

That's the beauty of life. That's the beauty of the mind. We make of life whatever it is that we want. 

So you want to know how I find meaning without a higher power? I simply learn from myself. I listen to myself. I find the things that just seem right. These things don't feel right to me because of a god. They feel right because I care about the future of the world. We're all gonna die, and the life here will continue without us. Those people and the people after them will go through the same things we go through and also very different things. I want the future to be a happy place. Even though I won't be there in 100 years, I want those people to be happy. 

I guess the biggest change from leaving religious meaning to this new atheistic meaning, is becoming less selfish. My focus isn't to do good to be rewarded in an afterlife. It's to do good to reward the people who live on when I die.

If somebody were to ask a friend or family member about you, how would they describe you? What would be your identifier? Nice, funny, entertaining, cool, shy? 

Something I find very interesting about Utah compared to other states, is that most everyone here automatically assumes you're Mormon. For the longest time, I started introducing myself as "Adri the Atheist" (well, not in those exact words, but you get the picture) because I wanted to be upfront with people and let them know I wasn't going to be their church buddy. In any other state, nobody gives a rat's ass what religion you are. But here, if you don't give somebody a reason to think you're not Mormon, they assume you are. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a bit too predictable. 

Honestly though, I'm so past the point of having "Atheist" being my identifier. It's like, once you spend enough time giving yourself one single characteristic, you start to forget everything else about you. You get so consumed in one idea that your life becomes a rerun. My rerun happens to be basically all of 2012, when I was coming to complete terms with my atheism. I felt as though I had to have that identifier. Otherwise I'd get too far into a relationship or friendship, they'd realize I didn't share the same beliefs, and I'd be kicked to the curb. So that honesty came out right from the beginning. 

But I just don't mind anymore. I've been taking a new route. My journey through leaving religion will always be a big part of my life, which is nice. It's my story to share. When I meet people now, I'm just Adri, and it doesn't matter what my religious status is. Being an Atheist isn't my main identifier anymore. Why should it be?

My name is Adri.

I'm a writer, wannabe globetrotter, student, friend, daughter, sister.

I have values.

I love so many people.
And art. I love art.

I respect the ones who understand respect.
I'm weird, okay?

I have an open mind.

(Sometimes it's too open)

I have goals.

I believe in service.

And I also happen to be an Atheist.

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. 

Deceive: Give a mistaken impression.

Confusion: A situation of panic; a breakdown of order. Uncertainty. Lack of understanding.

Brainwash: Make (someone) adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure.



These are four words I never really understood until a few years ago. Sure, I knew the Webster definitions. But that doesn't mean much. There's a difference between intelligence and cleverness, in my opinion. I believe that intelligence is knowing something. Cleverness is knowing something, but also being able to adapt those concepts to your own life either through personal experience or sharing. 

I don't want any of my posts to come across as me having a miserable life, just because I write about difficult things. That is far from the truth. I had a wonderful childhood, with the best family and friends I could ever ask for. I was just born a skeptic, I guess. I think a lot. Sometimes that causes me to have very strong opinions. But by all means, I do not have anything close to a horrible life. So even though I left religion and went through fear and deceiving moments and confusion and brainwashing, I mostly just feel human. I also feel happy. It's been so beautiful getting comments and messages from people who have dealt with the same hardships of not agreeing with the "norm". 

I don't believe anybody should live their life in fear. One of the saddest things is seeing somebody throw their happiness away because they believe God won't accept them for who they are. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

If there is a God, I would hope he would be as loving and kind as people make him out to be. 

If he's not, I wouldn't want to worship him anyway. So be yourself. Honestly, as cliche as it is, be yourself. You hear it all the time, but do you really listen to it? Don't trade in your happiness for fear. If religion is your happiness, stick with it. If you find yourself feeling guilty and sad, change something. Not out of fear. Change something for your happiness.

Happiness: state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

That comes first.

I watch this video too much. It just makes my heart feel like one of those goldfish that keeps growing and growing until there's no more room. It's such a beautiful feeling. I have so many wishes for Provo and it's progression (see previous post), and this kind of stuff keeps me hopeful. Smiles.

Okay. Truth is, I've written this whole post out and erased it all. Twice. Why? I don't know. I guess I felt like I was being too harsh with my criticism. So before I write the things I was going to write, I'm going to be a critic of myself.

Did I go to church for 18 years? Yes.

Did I, at least once in my life, think somebody was going to hell for not following the commandments? Yes.

Did I judge somebody based on them not going to church? Yes.

Have I thought I could "save" somebody by praying for them? Yes.

I could go on and on. The point is: Whenever I talk about the LDS church, I am talking about it based on experience. I don't want to be that person who states fallacy after fallacy, thinking they know everything about something they were never a part of. But, considering I've been on the inside of this whole shindig, I'm gonna write what I wanna write. I hope that's okay. If not, I recommend not reading my blog and going to this website instead: http://cuteoverload.com/

So now that I've had my little rant, let's get down to business. 

The thing about Provo, Utah is that you can't go anywhere without hearing the typical "Provo Conversation". The Provo Conversation may consist of things like: Where did you serve your mission? Didn't you LOVE that talk by Elder so-and-so? We've been dating for 3 months, and he HASN'T proposed yet! Don't you hate when a guy is so cute, but he's not a return missionary? I'm gonna be a stay at home mom! How many kids do you want?

And stuff like that. Basically, I'm tired and disgusted by some of the things I hear. I'm not necessarily disgusted by the actual sentences that are being blurted out of these 19-year-old girl's mouths. It's more the lack of topic. It's like the people in this city, and most of the state, just don't want to stray from their one little piece of culture. Instead of trying to experience the world they just want to experience Provo. Over and over again.

.... why?

I have my own opinions and thoughts on the matter, but that doesn't change anything. I don't expect it to. I'm just amazed at the way religion in general kind of takes over a person. I know how it is, I've been there. You get this idea planted into your head that you can only associate with certain people. "Righteous" people. You must only date men/women who are on a certain level or platform of obedience. You must only date that one type of person. Another Mormon. In the end, that's what it comes down to. 

You wanna know the biggest reason why I hate the Provo Conversation though? Despite the lack of wonder and education in some of these people, they tend to love the feeling of empowerment. They enjoy making themselves feel like they are at the top of the pyramid, and if you don't agree, you're at the bottom. We can pretend that we're a diverse city, but when it comes down to it, we're just a bubble of thoughts that can't open up to the rest of society.

I may sound bitter, but I'm not. Scouts honor. ;) I just have wants and wishes for this city, and all cities, to be more accepting of culture. Accept the fact that not everybody thinks you're right. Accept the fact that the beauty of a person is deeper than their religious or nonreligious standing. But most importantly, 
accept change. 

"I was forced, through seeing the error of their foundation, to abandon all belief in every religion which had been taught to man. But my religious feelings were immediately replaced by the spirit of universal charity - not for a sect, or a party, or for a county or a colour - but for the human race, and with a real and ardent desire to do good." 
- Robert Owen (1857)

I was thinking today about the two times I bared my testimony. Yep, two. Both times were at girl's camp, where everyone did it, so I wanted to feel included. I found myself getting emotional. Not because I felt "the spirit" or was "so happy to be born into the true church" but because I was in the wilderness, with some of my best friends, stargazing and not having a care in the world. I never pretended to know everything. 

I remember trying SO hard to feel this "spirit" so I could say some good things about the church and not just my friends, but I just couldn't. I think all I managed to blurt out was "..and I am thankful for the prophet" or something like that. Anyways, the point is, I was never one to bear my testimony. I was more focused on the fun times I was having with the people I love. That's always been my focus. Is that such a bad thing? That I think about my loved ones more than a possible deity or religion? So here it goes. I'm going to try this again..

I'd like to bear my testimony.
I don't believe the church is true.
I don't think I'm going to hell because of that.
As a matter of fact, I don't believe in hell.
I believe in life.
I am thankful for the stars.
I can't thank them enough for exploding billions of years ago, so that human life could even be possible.
Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.
I believe that we are in charge of our own destiny.
I am beyond grateful that I have a family who knows what love is.
True, unconditional love.
I am thankful for every little thing I've done in my life that has brought me to wonderful friends.
I believe that genuine friendships and relationships are one of the most important things. 
It's important to hold onto those.
I don't believe in organized religion.
I believe in moments and making the most of what you have.
I believe that despite my struggles, I am a very fortunate person.
I don't believe that I have the answers.
I don't think there's such a thing as "THE answer".
All I have are my own thoughts.
All you have are yours.
In the name of life,
Amen.

If I had to choose a religion, it would be music.

I worship melodies, songwriting, and instruments like you worship your god. I share lyrics like you share scripture verses. I believe it can comfort you when you're down and inspire you to do good. I have bonded more with people over music than anything else.

I look at my life as a bunch of chords and harmonies strung together making a very long tune. This tune has millions of verses and bridges and riffs and mistakes.

Sometimes I go for that high note and butcher it. Is the song ruined? Do we need to use autotune and a hundred computer programs to make it as perfect as possible? 

NO.

I feel like, as humans, we are always trying to portray ourselves as living the most perfect lives. For some reason, that will make people like us more. Quite frankly, I think it's bullshit. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blogs, etc etc are full of human beings pretending that they aren't human. 

We are not creations of perfection.

I cannot tell you how happy it makes me when I hear a beautifully written song with a few vocal cracks and guitar messups. Especially when I hear that song again and again and it keeps improving. That is how I want to live my life. My mistakes and your mistakes are just unique drum solos that trail away from our songs a little bit, but without them it wouldn't be the same. 

Keep on creating your beautiful masterpiece.